Notes from the Desert
"Where have you been"? I'm guessing that is the question on everyone's lips. Or on your mind. I guess it wouldn't be on your lips, unless you are one of those who move your lips when you read. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I guess the simplest answer would be just to say I have been out in the desert. And as you may have discerned from the title, I can't say I am now all the way back, but working my way out gradually, one day at a time. I am well aware that the "desert experience" is right out of the Christian Ghetto Slang Dictionary, so I will pull my well worn copy off the shelf and explain.
When I say I am going through a "desert experience", what I mean by that is a gradual loss of desire for the things of God. No desire to read the Bible, to pray, to worship, or to even fellowship with other believers. Having said that, it does not mean that I have withdrawn from society during this time. I still go to church every Sunday, and I still even teach an adult Sunday School class on a weekly basis. And of course it naturally follows that my motivation to blog was likewise negatively affected.
How did it happen? What caused it? I think that could best be explained in the form of a parable. Not original with me, but one that Jesus told, in Matthew 13, Mark 4, and Luke 8. The parable of the soils. A farmer went out to sow his seed, and the seed fell on four kinds of soil. For the purposes of this discussion, I find myself in the condition of the third kind of soil, the seed that fell among thorns. I quote from Luke:
"The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature."
- Luke 8:14
For myself, it is life's worries that are doing the choking as of late, though I freely admit that I am also entirely susceptible to the other two. So what could I possibly have to be worried about? Where did this all come from? It is work related, and I will try and explain briefly without boring you too much.
If any of you are fans of the Dilbert comic strip, as I am, you've seen this scenario a hundred times:
Boss: "We have a project that should take three people about a year to complete, and I need you to do it by yourself in four months."
Dilbert: "Sounds impossible. What are the consequences of failure?"
Boss: "If you fail, our company will not be able to transact a major part of its business."
Dilbert: "Sounds serious. Hope you have a plan B. What happens if we don't make it?"
Boss: "I don't even want to be around if that happens."
Funny in the comics, but not in real life, when I'm the Dilbert character in this scenario. So it wasn't long before this work project consumed me with worry. For the first time in a long time, I was not able to leave my work at work. I thought about it on the way home, at home, in the middle of the night, laying awake designing and writing programs in my head (I am a computer programmer by the way), and I even caught myself obsessing over this project in a worship service or three.
Just to give you an idea of the timeline, this was brought to my attention in November, and I was not able to devote significant time to it until January, and the "drop dead" date after which our company could not do business with this outside vendor, unless I made the necessary changes, was March 30th. I asked several times about a plan B, and the response was basically right out of Mission Control in "Apollo 13" - "Failure Is Not An Option".
So my focus turned from the things of God to the things of earth. From the Glory of God and Life Abundant, to processing options securities and reports. I entertained no thoughts of eternity. I could think no further than March 30th, the "drop dead" date, a term right out of the IS Ghetto Slang dictionary, meaning an immovable non-negotiable deadline. If you were to ask me what is my favorite and at the same time least applied verse in the Bible during this time, it would be:
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34
I was constantly worrying about tomorrow. And of course, I was always imagining the worst case scenario. What if I don't get this done? What if it doesn't work? What if we wake up Monday morning April 2nd and Dain Rauscher can't trade options? Then what? What if... What if...
I dealt with this stress in a couple of worldly ways. The first is one of my favorites, the old, "this won't matter 100 years from now". Or even 10 years from now. Or even one. I would like to occasionally daydream about next Christmas. Of course none of this actually contributed to actually getting this project done.
The second was to realize on occasion that there were actually people in this world going through harder times than me. In fact, it was during this time period that my friend Scottie was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Now please hear me and hear me clearly. I DO NOT IN ANY WAY derive my happiness from the suffering of one of my nearest and dearest friends since the fifth grade. But I can say that it did help me to keep things in perspective, at least for a time. But somehow, I always managed to fight my way back to worry mode. I had another such experience this week, but first a little about how I got to this week.
As I mentioned earlier, during this whole time, I continued, for better or worse, to teach an adult Sunday School class, where we are working our way through the Gospel of John, with the visual help of The Gospel of John DVD. Each week we watch one scene from the DVD, then study and discuss the passage that was depicted word-for-word on the screen. So recently we came across the verse:
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27
So I finally broke down and shared with the class that I was not currently experiencing this out-of-this-world peace, that I was having problems at work. And that I was coping with my problems these other ways, the "100 years from now" and "it could be worse". But this was not giving me the kind of peace that Jesus is talking about here. We stopped right there and prayed, and several in my class indicated that they would pray for me throughout the week. Then on Friday of that week, at precisely 10:45am, (I looked at the clock), it came. A peace completely outside myself and completely disconnected from circumstances (as I can attest that things were not going well at the time). An almost audible voice that said, "everything is going to be alright." It so affected me that tears even welled up in my eyes. I've had ups and downs since then, but I just know for a fact that someone was praying for me at that moment.
So now lets fast forward and wrap this thing up. Those of you who are gifted at math and dates and such have already figured out that it is now April 13th, which is actually two weeks after the "drop dead" date of March 30th. So what happened? Well, obviously I did not drop dead. The changes went in, and though I could have used a couple more weeks of testing, it was good enough to stay open for business, with these last two weeks spent fixing bugs as the business users found them. In fact I put in the last of the major bug fixes just today. As of now, I have one more report to fix, eerily enough report #666, so I will leave you to contemplate the implications of that. And just yesterday, I received an e-mail from my contact at the outside vendor, who enforced this drop dead date on every financial institution in the industry, which said, and I quote, "I believe you at RBC Dain hold the record for the quickest and most efficient conversion!"
And how much of that was a positive result of 24/7 worrying? None. Again, Jesus said it better than me - "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?".
I said earlier I had another experience in gaining perspective this week. Here is a sampling of the subject lines in my inbox when I got to work this last Monday morning:
DTC Autocage Down
RE: Option Changes
John Miller Obituary
Which one do you think I read first? John Miller was a colleague of ours in Dain Rauscher IS who has been battling cancer for over a year. In fact, before he got sick he occupied the cubicle just over the wall from me. He died on Good Friday at the age of 44. I think if he could have traded his cancer for a big project with a short deadline, he would have done it in a second.
So that is how it has been going with me, in case you are wondering. I have these occasional moments of eternal perspective, where I see the big picture, but before long I am wrapped up in the moment, turning inward, and "worrying about tomorrow".
Oh, that eternity would be the very air that I breathe! Oh, that regardless of circumstances, the out-of-this-world peace that Jesus gives would be my constant companion!
Pray for me.
I guess the simplest answer would be just to say I have been out in the desert. And as you may have discerned from the title, I can't say I am now all the way back, but working my way out gradually, one day at a time. I am well aware that the "desert experience" is right out of the Christian Ghetto Slang Dictionary, so I will pull my well worn copy off the shelf and explain.
When I say I am going through a "desert experience", what I mean by that is a gradual loss of desire for the things of God. No desire to read the Bible, to pray, to worship, or to even fellowship with other believers. Having said that, it does not mean that I have withdrawn from society during this time. I still go to church every Sunday, and I still even teach an adult Sunday School class on a weekly basis. And of course it naturally follows that my motivation to blog was likewise negatively affected.
How did it happen? What caused it? I think that could best be explained in the form of a parable. Not original with me, but one that Jesus told, in Matthew 13, Mark 4, and Luke 8. The parable of the soils. A farmer went out to sow his seed, and the seed fell on four kinds of soil. For the purposes of this discussion, I find myself in the condition of the third kind of soil, the seed that fell among thorns. I quote from Luke:
"The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature."
- Luke 8:14
For myself, it is life's worries that are doing the choking as of late, though I freely admit that I am also entirely susceptible to the other two. So what could I possibly have to be worried about? Where did this all come from? It is work related, and I will try and explain briefly without boring you too much.
If any of you are fans of the Dilbert comic strip, as I am, you've seen this scenario a hundred times:
Boss: "We have a project that should take three people about a year to complete, and I need you to do it by yourself in four months."
Dilbert: "Sounds impossible. What are the consequences of failure?"
Boss: "If you fail, our company will not be able to transact a major part of its business."
Dilbert: "Sounds serious. Hope you have a plan B. What happens if we don't make it?"
Boss: "I don't even want to be around if that happens."
Funny in the comics, but not in real life, when I'm the Dilbert character in this scenario. So it wasn't long before this work project consumed me with worry. For the first time in a long time, I was not able to leave my work at work. I thought about it on the way home, at home, in the middle of the night, laying awake designing and writing programs in my head (I am a computer programmer by the way), and I even caught myself obsessing over this project in a worship service or three.
Just to give you an idea of the timeline, this was brought to my attention in November, and I was not able to devote significant time to it until January, and the "drop dead" date after which our company could not do business with this outside vendor, unless I made the necessary changes, was March 30th. I asked several times about a plan B, and the response was basically right out of Mission Control in "Apollo 13" - "Failure Is Not An Option".
So my focus turned from the things of God to the things of earth. From the Glory of God and Life Abundant, to processing options securities and reports. I entertained no thoughts of eternity. I could think no further than March 30th, the "drop dead" date, a term right out of the IS Ghetto Slang dictionary, meaning an immovable non-negotiable deadline. If you were to ask me what is my favorite and at the same time least applied verse in the Bible during this time, it would be:
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34
I was constantly worrying about tomorrow. And of course, I was always imagining the worst case scenario. What if I don't get this done? What if it doesn't work? What if we wake up Monday morning April 2nd and Dain Rauscher can't trade options? Then what? What if... What if...
I dealt with this stress in a couple of worldly ways. The first is one of my favorites, the old, "this won't matter 100 years from now". Or even 10 years from now. Or even one. I would like to occasionally daydream about next Christmas. Of course none of this actually contributed to actually getting this project done.
The second was to realize on occasion that there were actually people in this world going through harder times than me. In fact, it was during this time period that my friend Scottie was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Now please hear me and hear me clearly. I DO NOT IN ANY WAY derive my happiness from the suffering of one of my nearest and dearest friends since the fifth grade. But I can say that it did help me to keep things in perspective, at least for a time. But somehow, I always managed to fight my way back to worry mode. I had another such experience this week, but first a little about how I got to this week.
As I mentioned earlier, during this whole time, I continued, for better or worse, to teach an adult Sunday School class, where we are working our way through the Gospel of John, with the visual help of The Gospel of John DVD. Each week we watch one scene from the DVD, then study and discuss the passage that was depicted word-for-word on the screen. So recently we came across the verse:
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27
So I finally broke down and shared with the class that I was not currently experiencing this out-of-this-world peace, that I was having problems at work. And that I was coping with my problems these other ways, the "100 years from now" and "it could be worse". But this was not giving me the kind of peace that Jesus is talking about here. We stopped right there and prayed, and several in my class indicated that they would pray for me throughout the week. Then on Friday of that week, at precisely 10:45am, (I looked at the clock), it came. A peace completely outside myself and completely disconnected from circumstances (as I can attest that things were not going well at the time). An almost audible voice that said, "everything is going to be alright." It so affected me that tears even welled up in my eyes. I've had ups and downs since then, but I just know for a fact that someone was praying for me at that moment.
So now lets fast forward and wrap this thing up. Those of you who are gifted at math and dates and such have already figured out that it is now April 13th, which is actually two weeks after the "drop dead" date of March 30th. So what happened? Well, obviously I did not drop dead. The changes went in, and though I could have used a couple more weeks of testing, it was good enough to stay open for business, with these last two weeks spent fixing bugs as the business users found them. In fact I put in the last of the major bug fixes just today. As of now, I have one more report to fix, eerily enough report #666, so I will leave you to contemplate the implications of that. And just yesterday, I received an e-mail from my contact at the outside vendor, who enforced this drop dead date on every financial institution in the industry, which said, and I quote, "I believe you at RBC Dain hold the record for the quickest and most efficient conversion!"
And how much of that was a positive result of 24/7 worrying? None. Again, Jesus said it better than me - "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?".
I said earlier I had another experience in gaining perspective this week. Here is a sampling of the subject lines in my inbox when I got to work this last Monday morning:
DTC Autocage Down
RE: Option Changes
John Miller Obituary
Which one do you think I read first? John Miller was a colleague of ours in Dain Rauscher IS who has been battling cancer for over a year. In fact, before he got sick he occupied the cubicle just over the wall from me. He died on Good Friday at the age of 44. I think if he could have traded his cancer for a big project with a short deadline, he would have done it in a second.
So that is how it has been going with me, in case you are wondering. I have these occasional moments of eternal perspective, where I see the big picture, but before long I am wrapped up in the moment, turning inward, and "worrying about tomorrow".
Oh, that eternity would be the very air that I breathe! Oh, that regardless of circumstances, the out-of-this-world peace that Jesus gives would be my constant companion!
Pray for me.
posted by wilsonte | 10:24 PM
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2 comments
